Part Of The Outcast

Everytime me and my girls are out we always seem to run into someone that I may know. They always ask me that questions, “Dang, moma do you know everybody in the whole wide world” Laughing, No I don’t know everybody I just know a lot of people.  They are so fascinated by how many people I know which in their eyes it seems like millions of people has them asking a series of questions like how do I know them, where did I meet them, how often do I talk to them, etc. They want to know the whole history in detail.  Growing up I was very activite in sports and activities within my school, very involved within my church and community, but  I never saw myself as one of the popular ones. I knew that I was well loved within my family, my church, among my friends and my piers, but yet I still felt like there was something missing and feeling this need to fit in. I always felt like I was an outcast and could never fit in with the one’s who were part of what I considered the “popular club” or shall we say the click. I always thought something was wrong with me and would try to do stuff just to fit in. I was so disperately  trying to fit in that it would bring me out of my character that people would even notice. The few times that I went to a party or a club the 1st thing that was asked of me was, “What are you doing here” People would even question what I was doing because they knew I didn’t fit in, that just wasn’t me and I didn’t belong. It had gotten so bad as my need to just fit in or somehow belong that when I would look in the mirror I didn’t even know or like the person that I would see. Through the years I allowed it to build insecurities and eventually lost who I was. I lost an identity that I really wasn’t sure of from the beginning. I have made a lot of bad choices, wrong decisions and have made a lot of mistakes, but the one thing that I was sure of is that I loved God more than anything.  Now as I talk to others and  finding out some truths about back then that being  a part of the in crowd wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. So I appreciate it more now than I did then that I wasn’t a part of the in crowd, but part of the out cast. Truth be told though I have experienced a lot in my life time it has that keep me from so much more. Through God’s love for me and finding out who I really am through him he is rebuilding my self-esteem, myself image of how I have viewed myself, my self worth and healing all those areas where I was broken and have been damaged, my places of insecurities he is making them secure again. Though as painful as it has been I am grateful for who I am becoming, the woman he has always called me to be. If you are wondering why you have never fit in, it is because leaders stand out and don’t fit into the mold of what others think that they should be. “You are wonderfully and fearfully made” Psalm 139:14 Until you know who you are in Christ Jesus you will spend a life time trying to fit in a place you were never meant to fit in and pleasing people who have never had your best interest at heart.  God has called you to stand out and YOU have to be ok with who God has called you to be regardless if others aren’t.  Chosen, called out, set a part, and different. For once in my life I finally know who I am and I love the person that I see when I look in the mirror. Though the roll to lead gets lonely and can be cumbersome at times, greater is your reward when you follow God’s lead.

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